Lord, I don’t know what I am doing here.

I wish I could help, make things better in some way…

But there is nothing I can do.

For three years I heard You speak and teach,

It was like light bursting in my heart.

It made my spirit leap for joy to hear what You had to say.

And yet, not much of it makes real sense to me:

Scattered jigsaw pieces of truth

With the promise of a larger picture.

You have been silent all through the trial

With just a few words from the cross,

But You are teaching me so much in Your silence

You are showing me the Spirit of the One who sent You.

I see now why You wouldn’t let us call down fire from heaven

That is not why You came at all.

I dimly begin to see

that You are laying down Your life for me,

the disciples…

for the world?

That’s You’ve been saying isn’t it?

The Good Shepherd, the Broken Bread,

The grain of wheat falling into the ground to die,

The Passover Lamb that must be slain?

Yeah, I see Your Word being lived out before me,

Taking shape, being made Flesh, full of grace and truth.

Not a word You have spoken, that You haven’t lived out:

Turn the other cheek, bless don’t curse,

Pray for those who despitefully use you,

Let him have your coat as well.

Lord, You called me, John, Son of Thunder,

Full of zeal, enthusiasm and a passion to get ahead in life.

I wanted the seat beside Your Throne,

But You, Lord, Son of God, You knelt to wash my feet.

I saw You on the mountain,

face shining like the sun, Your Glory unsheathed.

Now soldiers roll dice for Your garments.

Clothes made holy by Your touch.

Do they know their true worth?

I don’t understand why You must die on the cross

Counted as a sinner, mockingly called our ‘King’

But I understand, my Lord, my Rabbi

That along with Your life, You have chosen to lay down Your Glory.

Forgive me, Father in Heaven, for coveting things that are not be mine

For wanting to rule in the kingdom, to hold sway over the other guys.

Father would you change this heart of mine?

I lay down my pride, my desire, my greed.

I see now that I have been loving the World and things that are in it

How can Your love abide, remain in me?

Oh Lord, how little I have loved You,

But how greatly You have loved me

And Your love is breaking the power of all fear in my life.

You called us ‘friend’

You told us to abide in Your love.

Branch of the Vine, bearing fruit that remains?

I wonder what that means…

Father I treasure the words You have spoken to me through Your Son

Let me be the salt that retains its savour

The candlestick that lifts up Your Light.

Father, Your son, Jesus always did what He saw You doing

Spoke only what He heard You speak.

How He trusted Your leading and guidance

That’s how He lived His days,

Restfully available, instantly obedient to the tug of Your hand on His heart…

What’s that? Is Jesus trying to speak from the cross?

I hear You speak now, I am here, Lord…

“Woman, behold, your son!”

“Behold, your mother!”

And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.

Restfully available, instantly obedient


* The Apostle John fascinates me. So little is known about him, and yet, we are indebted to him for the richest insights we have into the heart of Jesus. He had a listening ear and a treasuring heart. He’d learnt from watching Jesus, to be resfully available, instantly obedient. How I long to learn that and be that.